Holiday time can bring among the most poignant reminders of enduring splits within families. Seeing the lack of recrimination in other families may be an incentive to wish that your own relatives didn't exhibit the kind of behavior they have.
Implicit in many examinations of why some family relationships are so poor is the prospect that long-time rifts can heal eventually. What fewer analyses of family breakdowns acknowledge is that certain divides are permanent and the likelihood of any real reconciliation is nil, regardless of the time of year.
Not understanding how outcome resulted
Outsiders—or at least those outside of an immediate family—may attribute this state of affairs to the refusal or inability of someone to forgive or overlook the actions of another family member, and even immaturity for not doing so. But the explanation can be far more complicated and involve the observed actions and reactions of relatives over a lengthy period.
When it comes to sibling relationships, studies have often found a greater closeness between sisters than between a brother and sister or between brothers. Exceptions exist to this, of course, but a major factor in ties between and among siblings is the presence of living parents. When siblings come together—where animosity already exists—to aid an elderly parent, the conflicts and differences usually are put aside out of concern and feeling for the parent's well being.
However, with the death of one parent, and especially when both parents are gone, a sense of solidarity and family bonds may end given the preceding and subsequent conduct of one sibling toward another. This outcome may be contrary to what many professionals project will or should happen. But it occurs nonetheless despite what would be considered a healthier outcome.
"If there are unresolved issues harbored by any family member, they will invariably surface during this time of distress [following a parent's death]. Grieving and loss have a way of opening the door for unfinished psychological business that has been 'swept under the rug.' One can only hide the pain for so long and then inevitably the truth, wrapped in emotional baggage, will make itself known," James P. Krehbiel, a licensed professional counselor and cognitive-behavioral therapist, wrote in an October 1, 2008 article, "Maintaining Sibling Relationships as We Lose our Parents."
Completely broken relationships are a sad result when they occur in a family and would certainly be distressing to departed parents if they could know. The memory of parents and respect for all their good qualities sometimes must remain separate from the interaction of children or other family who remain.
The behavior of a sibling or another relative may in no way reflect any attributes of a departed parent. When all sibling contact ends, even if there is geographic proximity, the passage of years may bring no change in relationships or any hope that such a change would be desirable.
Broken ties can be many years in the making
Some of the attributed reasons behind sibling interaction include marital status, presence and number of children, number of siblings, income and educational status, and age. Often the level of understanding from one sibling can be greater for another sibling who is unmarried and doesn't have children than for one who is married or has children.
But a lack of real closeness or trust over the years of growing up, even between just two siblings, can lead to other results later when both parents are gone. In addition, remaining relatives (such as an aunt or uncle) may side with one sibling over another.
This can be demonstrated by certain family members reacting disdainfully to the coming wedding of relative marrying later in life for the first time both of whose parents are deceased, mocking the wedding as a "pageant" not as a cause for celebration, offering unsolicited contrary and spiteful opinions as to what kind of ceremony should be held, giving patently fabricated reasons why some family can't attend, accusing the person getting married of attempting to disinvite certain family, and demeaning the socio-economic background of a relative's future spouse.
Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi, a clinical psychologist who has written on narcissistic personalities in families, has said in certain instances a kind of liberation can result when siblings decide to end a harmful relationship. "As they move through theirlives each day, they are unburdened and now free to move forward without always wondering when the next psychological ambush, outrageous remark or bursts of rage will take place," she wrote in a March 31, 2011 post on her blog, Healing From Narcissists.
The worst of the mistreatment can involve a sibling who maliciously lies or distorts or who does both and continually belittles the other sibling while spreading an unfavorable portrayal to family members and others who sometimes are receptive to hear it, Martinez-Lewi noted.
People in families may tolerate a great deal from some relatives, perhaps largely remaining quiet for a long time, as internally harmful as that can ultimately be. At some point, however, a family member's conduct can have a permanent impact. Some actions lead to a loss of any respect after a level of manipulation, deceit, greed, superficiality, gossip, and contempt.
One step that is never wise to take is trying to discuss serious family problems over heavy consumption of alcohol. That's always a bad combination and can easily lead to greater recrimination and regretted words.
The vengefulness and negativity may reflect disturbances or animosity in someone else's life with the degree of lashing out at a relative thinking it is somehow justified. Cutting all ties with an immediate family member, after a certain level of toleration, can be difficult. But the years of living in the same family, especially when few truly happy memories exist regarding a sibling, are not simply not reason enough to maintain a poor relationship into later years.
In fact, the absence of real closeness, of few shared good times together can make the end of any contact less difficult when neither sibling tries to hold on. There is always sorrow in not being able to continue seeing a favorite niece or nephew because of the relationships with the parents. Perhaps future contact with the child is a more reasonable prospect. Sad as it is in many respects to say, it can be a relief not to have to see certain family again and experience a repeat of the same likely conduct.
Cutting ties with your relatives could be healthy, depending on the kind of relationship you have with them. Healing can result in some families from restoring severed ties later. But in other families it cannot and won't.
Ultimate place of family in life
It can be insufficient to say your family in the end is always family, no matter what. In some families, the memory of parents remains at an elevated level, far different than that of some siblings. Still, the family someone is born into or joins doesn't ordinarily retain the same position throughout life. A partner in marriage whom you choose and any children will take precedence over parents as years go by.
That is not to say parents won't always be revered. Your current family is the priority and if older remaining family members exert a destructive influence, you as a spouse or parent have a responsibility to take appropriate action for your own family's sake.
Perhaps it is helpful to keep in mind that behavior that was the source of turmoil may have come from a sibling, or an aunt or uncle or cousin, not from a parent. Thankfully not every member behaves the same way in a family. Other relatives (including different cousins and aunts and uncles) are not a party to the behavior of those who've posed the most hardship and hurtfulness. Try to think positively of them and appreciate that they are there now or have been.
Sources:
- James P. Krehbiel, "Maintaining Sibling Relationships as We Lose our Parents."
- Linda Martinez-Lewi, "Severing Relationships with Adult Narcissistic Siblings," Healing From Narcissists, March 31, 2011
John Seidenberg - John Seidenberg has worked on newspapers, newsletters, radio news, and produced specialized news publications as well as freelance ...
